#10: Busy-beeness, sunny plans, & nocturnal worrying

Dear reader,

Where did the time go? The past several weeks have felt like that montage in Notting Hill where Hugh Grant walks through the seasons. Most likely, it’s because I’ve felt like I’ve been stumbling into a new “season” of life (as they so often say) - with evolving plans, stressful transitions, and fresh anxiety - all of which has been highly exciting, overwhelming, and sort of all-consuming, in the best and most challenging way.

Here’s a look at the some of the seasons, or recent happenings, in my life.

In Billy Joe’s voice: “IIIIII’m movin’ out”

I’ve officially spent a week or so at the new apartment with Miss Juni. Getting back into the rhythm of making my own meals regularly (and making sure I eat well), deciding what to do with my own time, and cleaning my own space has been both big adrenaline rush, and calming wave of reassurance at the same time.

These mundane tasks may not seem much to marvel at. However, slowly coming out of a period of deep depression over the last couple of years, where these everyday to-do’s used to feel like mountains, makes me appreciate a normal day-to-day routine with more joy than I’ve felt in a long time.

Jobless girl turns jobful

It’s been a handful of weeks at my new job as a contractor. So far, I’ve already dove into the deep end on an immersive design sprint for a business critical project with kind, smart, creative, and funny people. I’ve pushed through many bouts of imposter syndrome, have consistently reminded myself to not take myself too seriously, and have leaned into the work as thoughtfully as I can.

I’m feeling lucky overall, of course, to maintain a job at this point - funding the little lifestyle I’ve been dreaming of and hoping to re-build. But, I’m also incredibly grateful to be enjoying it, and feeling like I’m making an impact within the team and within various projects.

Many plans

Who has two thumbs and is about to get this show on the road?

This girl 👍🏻👁️👄👁️👍🏻

by Sara Hagale

I’ve got some travel plans in March and April, which I’m revved up about. 🏎️ I’m planning for a quick trip to New York (I’ve been trying to go back for the last few years, but a pandemic and Canadian wildfire smoke spilling over stopped me), as well as for some pit stops in Boston and Chicago to see some friends and continue working remotely. Given Juni’s poor health for most of her life, it’s been awhile since I’ve traveled on my own for an extended period of time. Now that she’s doing better, and thanks to the support of my family, I have a bit more flexibility. Stay tuned!

Many worries

Recently, I’ve been having the opposite of hakuna matata (which, when I looked it up, could supposedly be shida nyingi in Swahili). To me, it feels like many worries, for the rest of your days.

Of course, it could be the late night doom scrolling that New Years Resolution Me said I would stop doing in 2025 that makes my mind catch on fire with fears and anxieties about the future… Or, it could just be that I’m paying attention. 🤷🏻‍♀️

by Sara Hagale

But, in any case, there’s a sense of helplessness that I feel, where nothing matters, and dreaming is pointless, and people are truly the ruin of everything. 💃🏻 🪩🕺🏻

Yet, in sunnier moments, I feel a calling to make things matter as much as they can, and to chase the light when I see it, even if it’s just a sliver. It almost feels like I’m the sort of an upside down, emotional vampire: my sanity crinkles up like a raisin in the night, and then my mood turns bright and hungry in the daytime.

Anyways - here’s where I bring in some inspiration that I just have to keep pushing through.

You may have mixed feelings about him, but in an interview, Woody Allen shared what I thought was a simple but interesting, very on-brand, skeptical, stream of consciousness take on the meaning of life (or rather, the lack thereof) on Earth, where he remarked:

“Every one hundred years, someone presses a button, and a big toilet flushes, and everybody on the Earth changes… Everybody on the planet’s gone. And a new set comes in, and they’re fully of worry and {anxiety}, and they’re doing everything, and then, button: *snap* - all gone… So, it just seems like a big meaningless thing.”

and then, an important caveat, of course:

“Now, you can’t actually live your life like that. Because if you do, you just sit there… Why get up in the morning and do anything?

So, I think it’s the job of the artist to try and figure out why - given this terrible fact.. this meaningless end to everything, why do you want to go on living?

Knowing that it’s true - not giving yourself a fake heaven and hell - but, knowing the worst… you have to figure out why it’s still worthwhile.

That’s a tough assignment to explain to somebody - why it’s so terrible, and why it’s so important to go on.”

All of this to say… in light of my Many Worries that I’ll have to make peace with, I’m struggling but still managing to feeling encouraged to make sure I make my time here matter, even if it’s all smoke and mirrors in the end.

Plus, I’ve got bagels to guard from Juni.

To the month ahead - wishing you all many more joys than worries! Let’s stay strong during our march into March.